I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
