i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
