Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
