why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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