Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
