The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
