I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
