I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I need water and some morals
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
