hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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