Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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