He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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