So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
