Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
