I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
