Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Randomize
