clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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