You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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