seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
