You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
