my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
