my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
