I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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