Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
