Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
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someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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