Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
