Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
