I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
