I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
