yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
