This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
