you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
