"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
