Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Randomize
