This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
