WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
