im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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