My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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