I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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