so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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