farters have to be the big spoon...
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Randomize
