I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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