Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
my poor anus
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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