everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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