Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
