Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
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