I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
