final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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