Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
