i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
