my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
