My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
