Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
