When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
