Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Acid is not a monday night drug
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
