Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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