im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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