Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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